Like a good neighbor?

Whatever happened to good neighbors? State farm used to have the motto "Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there." Well, not one of my neighbors bothered to come out tonight when I was screaming for help, so I can only hope that State Farm would be a better neighbor than the ones I have.

I'd like to also say that I have tried my best to be a good neighbor, and to try to bring back a feeling of community to the place I live. This Christmas, my 3 year old and I went around door to door, delivering Christmas goodies I made. When new neighbors come, I always go to their house with cookies to welcome them to the neighborhood. These same neighbors ignored me tonight.

It was snowy and icy out tonight. My husband and I were coming home from his brother's house and we stopped at the top of the hill we live at the bottom of so we could get out of the truck and see what the road looked like before we started down. When we got out, the truck began to slide down the hill, with my two children inside. They were still in their seats and probably would have been fine even if the truck had gone all the way to the bottom of the hill, but when you see that happening, all you can think about is that something bad might happen. I've seen two cars in the six years I've lived here crash into the trees and creek at the bottom of the dead end in better weather. As the truck was sliding down the hill, I screamed, just as many people might do. I screamed loudly, several times. The truck swung around and stopped in a neighbor's yard. No one came outside, but I noticed lights come on. When my husband went to knock on their door to talk to them because he thought the truck may have hit a car parked in their yard, they turned the light off. Later, they claimed to have heard nothing. Somehow I don't believe them.

When I was out delivering the Christmas goodies I had made for my neighbors, I noticed that for the most part, they all seemed bewildered. One lady asked me who I was. It's really sad that people don't know or care to know their neighbors any more. At least there is one family up the street who are good neighbors. They are both from the area and are very nice. They invited me in when I came with my Christmas treats. The wife brought me a thank you note for the casserole I brought them when she had a baby last spring. I notice that people from the south seem to appreciate kindness. It's part of the charm of this region and it's appreciated by people who've grown up with it. It's just too bad that kindness and good neighbors seem to be going the way of the dinosaur.

LLL Conference

We went to the LLL of Georgia (that's La Leche Leauge) in Helen this past weekend and had a blast.  Miguel went with me this year and took Eowyn to all the kids' activities.  At one point he told me that he said to Eowyn, "come on Eowyn, let's go make some more garbage."  I thought that was pretty funny since most of the stuff they made, like a miniature boat made of sticks and yarn, and a rain stick made out of a paper towel tube, probably will end up in the trash.  But she had fun and got to see a opossum and touch a snake in two of the activities.  And Miguel also told me I was missing all of the good stuff.  But I was there to go to the different sessions offered, including two led by Dr. Bob Sears, so that was really cool.  Plus we had a lot of fun in downtown Helen taking carriage rides and checking out all the shops and taking tons of pictures.  It's so great to get away and go somewhere without having to worry that my children are causing a disturbance and not to have to think about nursing in public.  I blend right in.  I love LLL and conference so much that I have been thinking a lot about becoming a LLL leader.  I like LLL so much that I want to be involved with it long after my kids are weaned.  I actually had registered to attend the session entitled, "is leadership for you?" but I must have been the only one since they cancelled it.  Oh well, I'll just talk to my LLL leader about it at the next meeting.  

On a sad note, I found out that I won't have a job anymore at the end of the month.  Lulu's is closing May 30th.  I found this out from my co worker who called to ask if I could cover her shift.  It was kind of a shitty way to find out and I got my feelings hurt a little that I was sort of left out.  I know it's b/c I work part time and I'm hardly ever there, but damn, I do exist.  I didn't find out until the last second about our tips going on our checks and that was by accident when I was present for a conversation about it and got filled in only b/c I asked what they were talking about.  

The thing that really gets me though is that my boss told me today that they were told not to tell any clients.  Are you kidding me?!  The reason for this is b/c the owner doesn't want people to get a chance to redeem their gift cards.  It's so outrageous.  She didn't set aside the money to pay us when she sold the gift cards so then she's got to get the money from somewhere else when the gift card is redeemed.  So all these people are going to be calling the spa to use their gift cards only to find out that they are worthless.  I feel terrible for people who got them for Christmas and will never be able to use them.  People sit on those things forever and keep putting off using them.  I guess that's why Clark Howard hates gift cards so much.  I know I would be livid if I spent 300 bucks or so to send someone I love to the spa for the day and found out the place closed.  How terrible.  My boss did tell me that they were telling the regulars who had purchased series (packages) so that they could use them up in time.   She also told me she feared the spa might close even sooner than the end of the month.  I was pretty shocked but then again I'm not there much so I didn't have any idea how bad it was.  Well, maybe a little, since I hadn't had an appointment in ages, but since I wasn't there, I could assume that other people did.  Plus I thought that since it had been around for several years that the spa would survive the weak economy.  Guess I was wrong.  

I do have an appointment for an interview at a massage place here in Woodstock on Monday.  I'm spoiled by Lulu's though.  It'll be hard to go back to working for someplace like Spa Sydell, where they treat you like crap.  Of course, I hope this place won't be like that.  It would be so convenient to be in Woodstock.  It's not a spa though.  I really prefer working in a spa.  I'll just see how it goes.  

What a fun week

We had no water for two days due to a leak in the water line right at the hookup to the main line.  So that was great.  Kip has had hives since Wednesday and has been quite miserable (both my children are allergic to penicillin yay).  Eowyn woke up every 30 minutes or so crying and having a fit for two nights in a row.  Ah, how lovely.  I just keep reminding myself that one day I will look back on this time in my life and miss it terribly.  I won't remember how bad the bad parts really were.  At least last night we all slept better.  I think Eowyn was so overly tired that it disrupted her sleep cycle.  I just do not know what to do with this child.  I had stopped letting her take naps so that she would go to bed at a decent time and that seemed to be working until Wednesday.  So last night I let her nap in the evening and then she didn't go to bed until 11:30.  But at least she didn't wake up all night long.  

It's a sad day in a woman's life for her pride in her appearance and self image when she looks at a pair of shoes she's just put on and sees dried spit up on them and says to herself, "I think that's vomit.  Oh well," and leaves the house WITH THE SHOES ON.  Look what motherhood has done to me.  I am so frumptastic.  I refuse to blame my kids for it though.   I will never be one of those mothers who says they used to be skinny before they had kids .....blah blah.  It's not their fault.  I just can't do both, so I had to let some of my standards for my appearance slide.  I could take more time and effort for myself, but right now it doesn't seem worth it.  So I chose to be frumptastic and a little hairier and less well dressed and heavier for now.  My kids need my time and energy more.  But that doesn't mean it's their fault.  It's my choice.  Sometimes I'm sad about it but I know that I'll get back to that one day.  I'll be a lot older though.  Having kids has really made me realize that nothing is ever perfect.  It's not in the nature of the world.  I wish that I could have everything: time to myself, plenty of money (which means I'd have to go back to work) a clean house, lots of time to ride my horse, to go to the gym and have a decent body, to journal or blog, to meditate every day, to go out with friends and have a good time ....on and on, plus be with my kids all the time.  It's just impossible.  So I have learned when I'm feeling overwhelmed and bad about all of those things I just have to realize that everything does not have to be perfect in order for me to enjoy my life.  Because if that was the case, I never would.

I'm not neglecting this on purpose

I just can't manage to update a lot with the two crumb snatchers hogging all my time.  

It was so weird Thursday having snow and pollen at the same time.  Wonder if that will ever happen again.

I think that Kip's reflux may be getting better.  He hasn't thrown up very much for the past couple of days so I am keeping my fingers crossed.

I made the most amazing cupcakes on Wednesday.  I made everything from scratch and they completely blow away any other cupcakes I've ever eaten.  Of course I've never eaten any cupcakes except for the kind you buy already made at the store. When I told my father that I was going to try making chocolate buttercream frosting he said, "oh....I kinda hope you aren't successful."  Well, I was.  And oh man, just wait till he tastes it.

Miguel's niece got married this past Sunday and Eowyn had a blast running around and playing with the other kids that were there.  So much so that she didn't pay quite enough attention to what was going on with her body.  All of a sudden she comes running up to me saying "Mama, I gotta poop," with this really urgent look on her face.  By the time we got to the bathroom she was bouncing up and down a little and saying, "oh no, oh no, oh no." As I suspected, it was too late.  That is the first time that has happened since she potty trained back in September.  So of course, I had just recently taken the pair of panties I had been keeping in my purse b/c I thought I'd never need them, since I hadn't up to that point.  So for the rest of the day she had to run around in tights with no underwear.  It could have been worse I guess.

I took her to a thing called "Baby Loves Disco" last Saturday.  http://www.babylovesdisco.com/  Aside from the horrible traffic I got stuck in on the way there (of course the event was downtown and there was roadwork going on) with the baby screaming most of the time (he doesn't like the car very much) and thinking that I wasn't going to be able to go the way mapquest said b/c of construction and a closure at my exit (thanks so much Dad, I would have had a tough time without your knowledge of downtown) it was pretty fun.  It was  a little overwhelming for her at first I think, b/c it really is like a nightclub inside, with loud music and flashing lights and people (kids) dancing everywhere, but she had fun.  She got her face painted and danced and had some snacks and I think it was a  success overall.  Next time I am going to try to convince some other people I know with kids her age to go b/c I think she will have more fun if she goes in with someone she knows.  I couldn't dance too much with her b/c I had the baby strapped to me.  I did take a few pictures though.

This will be the first Easter that Eowyn gets an Easter basket and goes on an Easter egg hunt so I am excited.  I love that stuff and I can't wait until she is old enough to dye eggs with.  

Lately she has been insisting on wearing this pink Atlanta Braves shorts outfit I got for her to wear this summer.  She doesn't seem to realize that it's still too cold for shorts.  The other day she put it on with some black shiny dress shoes and put her bag over her shoulder and came and showed me.  It was soooo cute.  Even though it didn't really match, she looked like a fashonista.  My little girl is 100% girl.  The other day when we were at the creek I saw a snake near her while she was picking up a rock to throw in the water and when I picked it up to play with it she would have nothing to do with it.  I think I scared her a little when I gasped when I saw it.  It was just a really small little ringneck snake but it was neat.  She's not afraid of snakes in cages at least.  

Well there is it, now I don't feel like I'm neglecting this anymore.

Spring Pictures

I took the kids monday to have some spring pictures made with a live bunny.  I've only been able to see this one so far but I'm really happy with it and can't wait to see the rest.  Eowyn was loving having her picture taken as usual.  Kip did really well until the end.  It was actually kind of chilly so I was proud of Eowyn toughing it out in that sundress and bare feet.  

A sign of the times?  Yesterday when I called the spa to see if I had any appointments my boss told me that for the first time ever, there were no appointments booked at all that day.  That is quite scary.  

Kip has been really restless the past few days and I'm feeling a bit like we are back in the newborn stage.  He doesn't seem to sleep at night for more than an hour at a time and he wakes up just restless.  Not hungry, just moving and squirming and restless.  I was up and down all night with him.  In the swing, out of the swing.....in the bed, out of the bed.....so tired.  And it's kind of screwed up Eowyn's sleeping schedule b/c since I'm so tired I want to take a nap during the day and then  she takes a nap and then she doesn't want to go to sleep at night until 11:30 or so.  Yay.  We were doing so good there for a while.  If she doesn't take a nap she'll go to bed at like 9:30 and that is just Fantastic.  We'll get back to that I guess.  

My parents' neighbor

I posted the resolution without the full story so here's the whole story front to back.

On Friday evening I was standing out in my parents driveway with them when I saw a police car pull up in the neighbor's driveway.  I commented on it and then noticed there were two.  Then another came and another.  Then emergency vehicles: first a fire truck and then two ambulances.  I was trying my best to get a good look at what was going on through the hedges (being the nosy neighbor that I am, even with other people's neighbors) and all I could see (besides the cops) was an older lady standing by her car on the phone.  I thought it was really weird that she was outside.  We watched the firemen go in and then come back out and then the emergency vehicles left.  At that point I thought that John must have fallen or something and everything was alright.  But then the cops didn't leave.  My parents went inside but I just grabbed a blanket to wrap around the baby because I had to know what was going on.  I stood out there forever and after a little while my dad came back out.  Then a young guy pulled up in our driveway and said this was his uncle's house and asked if he could park there.  I said yeah and then looked at my dad who nodded.   A bit later my dad told me I should have told the kid to park in the grass so my brother could get in the driveway.  I couldn't go up and bother him but as we were standing outside we saw two black cars pull up and more cops get out.  Detectives.  My dad went back in but I stayed outside until I saw one of the detectives get some blue latex gloves out of his trunk and another one holding crime scene tape.  That was a bad sign.  When the cop came over towards my parents' yard unrolling the tape I asked him if he could ask the kid to move his car up into the grass.  That was when he told me John had died.  

A little later two cops came to my parents' door to ask some questions.  Well, at that point you know something really bad has happened.  He didn't tell us much except that John had been killed.  It  was unbelievable and I didn't know if we'd ever find out what happened.  

Fast forward to the next day.

So I know what happened to my parents' neighbor.  It was all very tragic and senseless.  Apparantly his roommate/caregiver shot him and took his car.   My neighbor was 67 and a retired lawyer (I never new he was a lawyer).  He was a good neighbor and a caring man.  It blows my mind that while cars were driving by and people in neighboring houses (including my parents) were sleeping he was being murdered.  I really hope that he never even knew it was happening, he was just asleep and one minute alive and the next minute he wasn't.  From what his niece and nephew told my parents when they came over, he was supposed to meet someone that morning and didn't.  Also they said someone was using his card and the company was trying to reach him and couldn't and they called his sister who went to his house and found him.  He was sitting in his chair with a blanket over him and she didn't even realize right away he was dead.  So that makes me think that it happened without him knowing it.  I hope he was asleep in that chair when it happened.  I can't imagine the killer would take the time to reposition him after murdering him.   I guess we'll never really know why, since the man who did it killed himself during a traffic stop in Zebulon (a town south of Atlanta).  That guy always did seem a little weird but as my dad put it, lots of people are weird.  It doesn't mean you think they are going to kill someone.  

I have been thinking about John a lot and remebering stuff.  Like how he came down (a little tipsy) on y2k new years and gave us glasses of champagne while we stood outside watching the fireworks.  And how one time he asked my mom why we didn't have a concrete pad beside our driveway to turn around on so we didn't have to back out onto the busy road.  He said "I worry every time I see them do it (referring, I think, to my brother and I).  I'm afraid it's going to be a bloody mess, just a bloody mess."  I was trying to remember if we went to his house on halloween and I'm sure we did since he's been there for a long time.  I don't think I was any older than 13 when he moved in (although my brother says it was later).  We took goodies to him at Christmas and he used to bring our dog a biscuit every day that he made himself.  He used to sit at night all the time with his living room blinds open.  I'm glad that we got to know him and I'm very sad that he was murdered.  It's so tragic and senseless.

Do it for the children

I have to say, I am getting a little tired of these reality show contestants justifying leaving their children for weeks and weeks by saying they are "doing it for their family."  Please.  You are doing it for yourself.  I actually can believe it a little bit from the men, since they have a different relationship with their children and it usually involves making most if not all of the money.  But these girls I see on American Idol and Make Me a Supermodel leaving their extremely young children for weeks and weeks rationalizing it by saying "I'm doing it for my child" make me laugh.  Your child does not want you to be a supermodel.  Probably not a famous singer either.  Do you know how much more you will be away if you actually succeed?  Your child does not care how much more money you will make.  They are the few still untainted people who value people and love more than money (okay, so maybe lots of people who are grown up do to but sometimes it doesn't seem like it).  They would much rather have their mothers around them.  I'm all for following your dreams, and I don't necessarily think they are doing a "bad" thing or even the wrong thing and they may even think they are doing it for their children.  But when it comes down to it, they are really doing it because they want to.  They want to be rich and famous.  Well, once you have kids, for those few short first years they really really need you.  A lot.  So traveling the world being rich and famous is not going to be good for them, no matter how much you want it to.  When I was a little girl, I wanted a horse more than anything in the world.  I literally cried myself to sleep just about every night I wanted one so bad.  I wanted a horse more than anyone else in the world, I really did.  But if I had had the choice between having my dad around  like he was or having a horse, I would not hesitate to choose my Dad.  And I did get my horse.  And it was my Daddy who got him for me.  But I had to work for him too.  He was my dream.  He still is.  But I would never ever choose him over my children.

This is a bit overdue

But I just couldn't find the time until now.  Having 2 kids is ten times harder than having one.  But better late than never.

So, I had my baby in the car.  As my best friend put it when talking to her friend from Pennsylvania: "that's how they do it here in Georgia.  They have their babies in their husband's pick up trucks. "  But let's start at the begining.  

I went to the midwife for a regular appointment the day before and when she checked me, she said my cervix was really thin.  This gave me hope as my due date was the next day and I didn't want any pressure to induce labor.  I wanted to go as natural as possible.  I'd been faithfully listening to my "hypnobabies" scripts and reading my workbook (this is a childbirth technique that uses hypnosis to cope with birthing.  Ideally, you are supposed to have a pain free birth check this out if you are interested  http://deanaryan.wordpress.com/2008/06/12/dateline-hypnosis-during-childbirth/).  

So on the way home from the hospital, I began to feel "something."  Since with my first one the water broke first and we just went to the hospital and they had to "help" me along a little, I didn't have much to compare this feeling to.  I just sort of thought, "hmmmm.  this might be something."  I kept feeling this little something, which, true to the hypnosis scripts I'd been practicing, was indeed pressure.  Just a little.  But I noticed, and I thought, well, I might have a baby tomorrow.  But I didn't get to excited, since sometimes labor (or "birthing time" as we call it with hypnobabies) starts and stops a little in the begining.  

By ten o'clock, though, I was watching the clock, and noticing that I was feeling these "pressure waves" (another hypnobabies term) somewhat regularly, about every 10 minutes.  I told my husband I thought I might have the baby tomorrow.  That night I went to sleep listening to my hypnobabies.  By the time I was falling asleep the pressure waves were enough to wake me up but I went right back to sleep after each one.  At 4 o'clock I woke up and the waves were too intense to sleep through anymore.  I laid there and watched the clock.  Every 5 minutes, pretty much exactly.  I laid there for a little while, thinking, "wow, this hypnosis stuff really does work." Well, sort of.  Part of me was also saying, "this can't really be it.  It doesn't hurt at all.  I've got a while to go."   All I was feeling was pressure.  So I updated my facebook and myspace status.  I put something like "I'm having this baby today."  I put off waking up my hubby, since I knew he wouldn't go back to sleep.  Eventually I did, or thought I did, but he'd been awake since he heard me flush the toilet.  He knew something was up after that.  I told him to go back to sleep b/c I thought I had until the afternoon.  Wishful thinking.  I wanted to go to the hospital after morning rush hour and deliver shortly after I got there.  When Miguel got ready to take Eowyn to his family's house to stay while we were at the hospital, he suggested I go ahead and go to the hospital.  I didn't want to though b/c I really wanted a natural birth and wanted to stay home as long as possible.  So he left with her, after I said an emotional goodbye to her, knowing that the next time I saw her, she wouldn't be my only child anymore.  I had already called my parents to tell them and my mom said she'd come stay with me at the house until we left for the hospital.  I said not to rush.  I had plenty of time.  I was still listening to my hypnobabies while making brownies for the nurses (this is another hypnobabies thing).  By the time I was almost done the waves were getting really intense and I decided to try to enter hypnosis.  I got on the birth ball and did my best but I may have waited a little too long.  Now it was begining to hurt.  I made sure I had everyting I needed packed and ready.  Before too long I was moaning and wishing Miguel would hurry up b/c I couldn't WAIT to go get an epidural :).   I had all these great intentions but it's just not that easy.  When he got home I was in the bathroom moaning and I told him I was ready and to get everything in the car.  Once I got out and was putting the dog in the crate a wave hit me and I leaned over and grabbed the crate and rocked back and forth moaning and trying not to scream.  The poor dog was probably terrified.  I considered staying home b/c I was starting to think I might not have long to go and did not want to get in the truck where I couldn't move around to cope with the waves but I knew I had to get going.  When I got outside another one hit me and I leaned over the hood of the car and stayed as quiet as I could in order not to alarm the whole neighborhood.  Miguel was like "get in the truck!" but I told him I wanted to wait until the last minute.  My mom pulled up just as we were pulling out and said she'd follow us to the hospital.  Little did I know we lost her at the first traffic light but this would later prove to be a good thing.  I tried and tried to enter hypnosis but I'm not sure I ever made it.  I did however manage to stay as calm as I could by reminding myself that nothing bad was going to happen to me.  You do begin to become afraid b/c you can't imagine being in that much pain and not dying.  That is why support is so key if you want a natural labor.  I began to say, over and over every time one came: "Icandoit Icandoit Icandoit I can DO ITTTTTTTTTT!"  I'm sure I sounded like I was trying to convince myself, and indeed I was.  I tried to have Miguel call the midwife, but it was about 8 o'clock, right between answering service and the office opening so we got a machine.  I had to listen and push buttons and pray I'd be able to talk if I actually got someone.  When I finally did, I practically threw the phone at Miguel.  

Not long before we crossed the river, I began to think I was feeling the urge to push.  Uh oh.  With Eowyn I had an epidural so I wasn't completely sure.  Until the next one.  Yep, that's the urge to push alright.  But strangely enough, the sensation changed.  It didn't hurt nearly so bad.  It was still incredibly intense but bearable.  Maybe that's b/c I knew it was almost over.  So much for that epidural.  I was glad though.  I was going to have that natural bith.  Except, it might be in the car.  

People at red lights and bus stops stared as my husband did his best to get through the rush hour traffic with a writhing, moaning, laboring woman.   When my water broke as we went over the river, I realized I'd forgotton to put down towels to sit on incase this very thing happened. Miguel got lost, distracted by me, he claims, as I grabbed hold of his arm during a wave.  He always blames me when we get lost.  

As we drove around the perimeter mall area, I thought to myself, "I'm going to have my baby in the parking lot."  I told Miguel to pull over, but he said "I can't pull over!" Now he had the stress of being lost to add to the stress of wife having baby.  He didn't really believe I was about to have the baby until I ripped off my pants.  What can I say, I can't have the baby in my pants.  I vaugely wondered if my mom was aimlessly driving around Peachtree Dunwoody, thoroughly lost.  She couldn't find her way out of a paper bag.

We did make it to the hospital though.  The security guy thought my husband just another panicked father when he jumped out of the car and said "My wife's having the baby!"  He said, "don't worry son."  My husband responded, "Do something you idiot!"  When Miguel opened my door, I asked him if he could see the baby's head.  Affirmitave.  I knew it was there but I wanted confirmation.  Then here comes someone with a wheelchair.  Um, no.  A baby's head is coming out of me.  Finally I saw the nurses come running out the front door.  They began throwing towels and sheets over the windows of the truck.  I vaugely wondered why.  I could have cared less if a news crew started taping the birth.  One of the nurses told me not to shout (I could have smacked her) and to bear down with the next one.  I complied and out he came, crying just like a good little newborn.  They didn't say right away that he was a boy (they probably thought I knew) so I said "is it a boy or a girl?"  One of the nurses said, "it's a little boy."  I looked at my husband, surprised as I've ever been in my life. "It's a boy?  It's a boy!?"

I didn't believe it till I changed a diaper.

Remember that time you thought you found a dead body?

Oh, that was Friday night.  I was coming home from my parents' house at a little after 10pm.  My house is at the bottom of a pretty steep hill, the last house on the left of a dead end street.  A really dead end.  So dead that if you keep going, you end up in the creek. So as I was about to pull into my driveway, I notice a red car has crashed way back in the trees.  I called my husband to come out and walked over to it with the flashlight.  I went over before he even came out b/c I was really in a hurry to see if there was anyone in the car.   But I was a little trepidacious so I went back and told him to come with me.   I shined my light in through the back of the red Jeep Cherokee and it looked like there wasn't anyone in the car, so I decided to go around the side to see if the driver's side door was open, or if I could get a better look.  Good thing I was wearing my barn boots b/c it was really muddy (it had been raining most of the day and still was a little).   Well, when I got around to that side, I looked into the creek and I saw something in the water.  It was of course high and muddy due to all the rain, so it was hard to tell what that something was.  There were branches blocking the door and I could see no one was in the car.  I looked at this thing in the water and by this time I was getting a little worked up.  It looked like it could be someone's arm and shoulder, clad in a black jacket.  I could almost see part of a hand at the end of what would have been a sleeve.  I told my husband I might have found a body. Then I told him to go check on the baby who was still in the car in his carseat.  I did the only thing I could think to do, I got a long stick to poke it with.  I felt really bad poking it with a stick but how else was I going to know?  I certainly couldn't jump in with the dead body.  Well, like I said, by this time I was pretty worked up and I guess my imagination really got the best of me, and when I touched it, it really felt kind of solid.  Well, that did it.  I went as fast as I could through the wet trees and hauled ass to the garage spewing "God almighty, I think it's a dead body, I really do, Jesus Christ!"  I shakily grabbed my phone and dialed 911, wondering if it was going to be like it always is in my dreams, where either I can't hit the right numbers, or my phone won't work, or the dispatcher asks me some stupid question like what is my social security number.  It worked right though and they sent the cops.  The dispatcher stayed on the phone with me until they got there.  I took the officer to the side of the creek and showed him what I'd seen.  For a second my mind debated: "should I stay and see if it actually is a body?" I quickly decided I really didn't want to see any more than I had of a possible dead body and told the cop I was going back to my children.  And that's what I did.  They came a few minutes later and asked some questions and informed me that that  something was indeed just a piece of trash.  I felt like an idiot, but in a good way.  As freaked out as I was, I did tell the dispatcher that I wasn't entirely sure it was a body, but I wasn't sure it wasn't.   It was a Papa Johns delivery man's car, and some neighbors who came down to see what was going on said that they had seen a Papa Johns guy walking up the street a couple of hours earlier.   Why he didn't try to get his car out, I don't know.  Maybe b/c the front of it was actually in the water.  It took the tow company over an hour and two trucks to get it out.  I feel kinda bad now b/c now the guy will have to get his car out of impound and probably get a ticket.  I only called b/c I thought I'd found a body.  I told my husband, "now this will be just a funny story.  Remember that time you thought you found a dead body?"

Here we go again

Well, I know it's been awhile since I posted, but I have some news. I'm having another baby. According to the extremely scientifically accurate due date calculator on babycenter.com, I should be giving birth on or around Nov 14. So, by Thanksgiving I should have a brand new little bundle of joy. Of course, Miguel's hoping for a boy. I'll be happy either way. I have no idea what her name will be if she's a girl. It was hard enough coming up with the first one. I'll figure it out eventually I guess. I really want a homebirth this time, but my family, and even my husband, are not really up for it. You would think that since I'm the one having the baby that I would be the decision maker here, but it's hard to go against the pressure of your entire family. It's something I'll need a lot of support in. I just hope I will be able to find the resources, the energy, and the persuasion to convince everyone that this is the best way for me. I was so unhappy with the way things went with Eowyn's birth, and I want this one to really be the way I wanted Eowyn's to be. I'll have my work cut out for me either way.

Looking like a Mom

Okay, I want to know something. When did looking like a Mom become a fate worse than death? When did our country become so obsessed with perfection and youth that being a mom was okay, but looking like one was to be avoided at all costs. Is there any other job or identity out there that people want to have but not to appear to have? How did we get so backward? Why do mother's magazines and catalogs all have pictures of perfectly thin, perfectly dressed, perfectly made up, perfectly cellulite and stretch mark free bodies, with perfect breasts? How realistic is that? What is so atrocious about a few stretch marks? These are signs of a woman who has achieved the ultimate in femininity. What is so horrible about breasts that look as if they have nurtured and fed babies? Why do we all so dread "looking like a mom?" What is so wrong with looking as if you are giving it all to your babies, and so maybe you didn't have the time to put on makeup, and spend an hour on your hair? What kind of mothers are the women who "don't look like a mom?" Are they just so great that they have time for everything. Ha! Maybe if they have a super laid back baby who doesn't need a lot of mothering, then they may have time for looking like a super model (or a "supermom") but then, does her baby get less attention? As for the notion that a woman can manage to attend to her baby properly, never denying him her attention and love, and still manage to look like a supermodel: I put that under the category of "Anything's Possible." You know, like my chance of being discovered at the grocery store and whisked away to Hollywood to begin my career of super stardom. It could happen, but I'm probably more likely to win the lottery. I'm not trying to make anyone feel like a bad mom, here, by the way. I'm just at odds with the what society in our culture expects of mothers. Okay, yeah, I think Mom Jeans are hideous. But if I see a woman out in public with her small children, and she's dressed in sweats, with her hair in a ponytail, with no makeup on, I know that there is a woman who cares more about her children, and about being a mom, than about looking like one. Why don't we honor mothers the way other cultures do? Sure, most people are nicer to pregnant women, and give them some special treatment, but once you have that baby, you're expected to loose the baby weight immediately and look like you just stepped out of a magazine. Some women are just lucky; they are thin no matter what, they are those adorable pregnant women whose bodies are perfect the whole way through pregnancy, except they just look like they swallowed a bowling ball. They loose the weight without even trying. My best friend is like that. She's gorgeous the whole way through pregnancy and after. But she doesn't look like a magazine, either. She's gorgeous in a natural way. So why can't we start looking at all mothers like that? Beautiful as people, as dedicated mothers? Not just as women. Why does your relevance and usefulness seem to vanish as soon as you "look like a mom?" Don't most men want their wives to be good mothers? Isn't that, shouldn't that be any mother's goal? To be a good mom? Not a beautiful, perfectly airbrushed, made up mom. A real mom. A mom who cares more about her childrens' welfare than her own appearance. That being said, we mothers do have to honor the woman that we are, and take care of ourselves, or we risk feeling resentful or angry. But we need to cut ourselves some slack. I may be one of those women who "looks like a mom." I'm lucky to get a shower. Sometimes I might almost forget to brush my teeth. I try to remind myself that "supermom" is a myth, and I can't expect to look perfect. I wish I didn't feel so bad about the way I look. I'm pretty sure the pressure comes from living in this culture. Hopefully some day soon, we will start to expect moms to "look like moms." Does anything in the world make more sense?

Well, I quit Neem Tree. This all happened a week ago today. Asha (owner of the spa) wanted me to give her a massage, and long story short, she made up a lie and left the table, and called Lana and bitched her out, saying that it was all wrong; I didn't do the circles on her shoulders right, and the pressure was not enough, even though I asked her how the pressure was, and she told me I could give her a "little more," which was obviously not what she really wanted. HOW I ask you, can I read her mind?! What is with these people? I am not a robot. I cannot give the exact same massage to every client with the exact same pressure like a machine. Who would want that anyway? I know the shushupti, the warrior, all that, and I do it just like they do. I don't know what she wants. Ugh. Asha called and left me a message, but she didn't answer when I called back. I just felt like what she did was a total slap in the face. If she would have told me what she really wanted, it would have been different. Instead, she lied and left. How do they expect to keep people when they won't let you have tips, have no clients, won't let you leave if you have no clients, and want to dictate your every move during a massage? I am not kidding you, she even said I wasn't breathing right! COME ON! You are going to tell me how to breathe too! Give me a break. I think if Asha opened a restaurant, she would only serve her own favorite dish, because that's what she likes, so that must be what everyone likes. It's okay to have a signature treatment, but realize that not everyone will be into that. Maybe that's why they are so lacking in clientèle. Anyway, I'm pretty sure I'm leaving; I'm going tomorrow to get my stuff (I brought a heater, my stool, everything). I will still talk to Asha if she wants to talk to me, but I really just don't think I can continue there. That really hurt my feelings. I have enough insecurity about my ability as a massage therapist as it is. I would like to tell her how I feel. Not to mention the fact that they are misclassifying their workers as independent contractors, so they don't have to pay the taxes. I looked it up, and by the IRS's definition, we are NOT independent contractors. I think they are doing it on purpose, which could land them fines, back taxes with interest, require them to pay all the taxes their employees already paid back to the employees, and even result in criminal charges. Lana (the spa manager) said she was sure that I knew what I was doing, and that she would not have booked me if she felt I wasn't capable. I gave her a massage. I gave Josie ( my coworker who is also a massage therapist) a massage, and I gave Zaundra (also a coworker) a warrior in training. Asha said in her message she was going to come train me, but shit, I've been doing massage for four freaking years now, how much training is it going to take? She said in her message that she feels that I have "enormous potential." What? I've been doing massage for four years now with only potential? I see why they have been through so many people. I really like Lana and Josie and Zaundra. They are really fun and everything. I'll miss them. I don't think Asha realizes that it is b/c of her that I am leaving. That was total bullshit. If she can't tell me what she wants in a massage, how can she expect me do it?!! Plus, I just don't think I can stomach being "trained" by someone who is not even a massage therapist. It was hard enough having Lana training me, and feeling like everything I was doing was wrong. I loved the spa, it was so beautiful. I loved the way they treated their clients. They actually care about their clients, unlike Spa Sydell. I just think if a person comes in and pays 110-150 dollars for a massage, they should damn well get exactly what they want and need, not just the standard treatment. I'm truly grateful for the experience; it inspired me to want to open my own spa (well, with my trusty partner, you know who you are ;). It gave me tons of ideas. Now I'm happy to be home with my baby, where I belong. I am not going to try the full time thing again. It just didn't work out. That was a big part of why I couldn't keep working at Neem Tree. To be there all day, with no clients, and have to just sit around thinking about my baby and missing her was just too much. I couldn't take it. That was a big factor in my decision. But mainly, it was Asha. I was really offended by her leaving the table like that, and I think she's forgotten what it's like to be trying to earn your living doing services. Well, that's the story people.

Preview

Who wants a cookie-cutter massage? Do you think you want the same massage as the last person I worked on? The same pressure? The same everything?!!!
More to come.

It's 2:26 am! What the hell am I doing up?!

Oh man, am I behind on my blogging. That would be due to the fact that I have NO time. You should see my house. Since my child is a hardcore sleep fighter, she now usually doesn't go to sleep until midnight or so (oh yeah, we are talking 12 in the am) because I have pretty much given up on trying to get her to sleep when she has no mind to. It just creates frustration. So, I have no time for this blogging thing. If I try to do anything on the computer, she's right next to me, clicking the mouse and pushing every button she can reach. She's shut down the computer a couple of times somehow. Repeat after me: you will miss these times someday. Maybe I'll do some updating at work since I seem to never have anything else to do. Hey people! Come get a massage already!

Soapbox Monday

Okay, it's time for me to get on my soap box. Let's talk about massage. I talked to my close friend from massage school, who works at the school we went to teaching massage. She told me that now our beloved school, which used to be the one of the best in the country, is now enrolling students with no screening process. When we applied to school, we had to write an essay, we had to interview, we had to have references. It was serious. Now, they don't do any of that. Why is all of that important? I'll tell you. To keep all of the people who shouldn't be doing massage out of massage. I guess the changes (and there have been many, many changes at this school during the past couple of years, resulting in many, many wonderful teachers leaving, not to mention the deletion of many classes that I felt were transformational and very important to my experience) are due to the emergence of all of these "bandwagon" schools. Schools that aren't really massage schools offering massage programs. I'm talking about Everest (formerly GMI), ACT, Sanford Brown, and the myriad others that all decided to jump into massage. They appeal to people who want a way to make decent money without going to college. They make you think that in just a few months you can be making "very good money" as a massage therapist. These are not massage schools! They just added it in their curriculum. They may satisfy the basic requirements of teaching massage, but they produce substandard massage therapists. Sorry if I'm offending anyone. Let me say this: if you have a natural talent for massage and you go to one of these schools, you'll probably still be a good massage therapist, but not as good as you could be. I'd like to think that most people who do massage started out with some natural talent. But some people think that you can make all this money doing massage, and that's why they get into it. Well, I'm here to tell you people, you'll never get rich doing massage. If you could do 8 massages a day every day for years and years without burning out, then yeah, you would make a ton of money, but it's just not possible. All the b.s. they give you about making your own hours is crap, too. Even if you work for yourself, you have to be there when your clients want you to. Only when you've built up a very large and reliable clientèle can you decide when you want to work, and that takes years. What these new schools have done is ruin massage. Pretty soon you are going to see that it is damn near impossible to get a good massage, because there will be all of these people out there, just doing it for the money, and that makes for a CRAP massage. You have to do it b/c you love it. My friend told me that her students were complaining about having to learn anatomy! Please people, what did you think you were getting into? We learned chemistry, for crying out loud! But that's not all it takes to be a massage therapist. You have to be completely okay with all aspects of the human body, and all it's variations in shape and size. You have to be patient and compassionate, you have to be able to create a healing and open space for the client. It's all about them. You should ideally be kind of an organic eating, natural living, hippy-dippy, peaceful, recycling, one with nature kind of person (I don't want you to think you have to be liberal, or even a democrat; that's completely separate) because that's who massage therapist are, that's why we became massgae therapists, because we are like that! These schools appeal to quick-fix, I gotta make money the quickest and easiest way I can kind of people. They are ruining massage! I am so dissapointed in the current state of massage. I have to put a note in here about those massage membership places too, like massage envy. I have to first say that I take advantage of it, too, because I love getting massage and I want to be able to get one regularly, and trading isn't always easy to do. So yeah, I go to massage envy, so that's why I can tell you that it's really really tough to get a good massage there. I think it's for a few reasons. One, these people are paid crap, and I'd rather work as a parts delivery driver than do massage at one of these places. Two, they are booked back to back with no time between massages, and three they have to do so many just to make money. So, how can you expect to get a good massage? You have to weed through all the crap massages, find a good therapist, and hope they don't quit before your next massage. Plus, they cut your massage really short. They pick you up late and get done early. It's not their fault, it's just the way it is at those places. Well, I really hope that massage isn't completely destroyed by all of these fake massage schools. I think that the market will soon be so saturated with massage therapists that people who aren't cut out for it will stop seeking out these fake schools. I just hope that it isn't too late for the real schools to go back to the right way by then. I know that if I was hiring massage therapists, I would not hire anyone who graduated from any of the new schools, who graduated from my school any later than I did, or who graduated recently from any school in GA. I hate to say it, but it's the way I feel. Peace.

Frustration

There is nothing more frustrating than a tired baby who won't go to sleep, especially when you are exhausted too.

Slacking

Wow, it seems this blogging thing has gotten away from me a bit. Why does that not surprise me? Part of it's because sometimes I don't really have anything particularly interesting to say, part of it's because I spent all my internet time shopping or "window" shopping, and part of it's because I just couldn't find any time period. Another birthday has come and gone. They are so anti climactic when you're a grown up. Especially when you'd rather they start going backwards. I started a new job last week and it's sooooo different from my old one, in good and bad ways. I'm glad to be doing something new though. I'm thinking I won't stay there for years like I did with Spa Sydell, but we'll see. I hope that sooner rather than later I will figure out a way to be at home with my baby full time. I hate going back to work full time but I can't get around it right now. I gotta go manifest some money into my checking account.

Time

I just cannot believe how fast time goes. My little baby is getting so big now. She is running all over the house, chasing the dogs and grabbing their tails. They are so good with her, especially Boortz. Bovi is tolerant but he doesn't really like being messed with, but Boortz will just lay there while she climbs all over him and bounces up and down on him. What a good boy. It's unbelievable to me to think it's been a year since I went back to work from my maternity leave. Just unbelievable. I've just now gotten to the point where I don't feel like I just had a baby. I kinda still look like I did. Wow, if I could just loose this last pesky 30 lbs. Of course, ten of it was already there when I got pregnant. Oh well, I will be able to wear all my old clothes again someday, but in the meantime I am trying to put all that energy I used to spend hating my body into loving it, and trying to focus on being healthy, not thin. Exercise and eat right to feel good and be healthy, not to loose weight. That way I don't feel like a failure if the weight doesn't just melt away. It is harder to loose weight now than it used to be, but I think that's partially due to the fact that I'm still nursing. That makes it harder, I've heard. Anyway, I'm really trying to see myself as a beautiful spirit and get away from being so concerned with my appearance. At least for right now, I'm the most beautiful woman in the world to my baby, and that's what really matters.

October 3

The older she gets, the more she trashes the house. I suppose I can never expect this to end. I have to keep reminding myself that there will always be time for a clean house later, but she is growing up so quickly and I need to enjoy this time as much as I can, messy house or no. But gosh, do I wish I had the money for a housekeeper. People who have this luxury don't know how lucky they are.

October 2

Well, my house is a wreck, I'm completely exhausted, and I'm drowning in "stuff." For the first time in my life, I want to have less stuff, and it seems to be avalanching onto me, mostly in the form of my husband bringing in all this stuff that his clients give him. You wouldn't believe what people will just give away. Some of it is really good. A lot of it is junk, of course, and it's filling up my basement and garage. I don't know how to convince him that it's too much. He has no idea what it's like to be a mom who just wants an orderly house. There was something else I wanted to put in here but I can't remember what it was now. Guess it wasn't that important. Maybe I'll remember later.